Because there's no other way I could keep track of all the shit.
For whatever reason, she is incapable of fighting back, even if her attacker is a soggy little twig. I can't even feels sorry for her fall. As if her initial blubbering and doing absolutely nothing helpful for herself after her home is invaded didn't give up on her.
So now her sister and her boy toy argue, and the word punk is written on some elevator. This and "LOVE IS PUNKER THAN PUNK" written on the dead bimbo's wall lead me to believe this is some horrible inside joke by the people who shit this movie out of their scantily-talented assholes. Pardon my French.
At least we got rid of her. Now time for her sister to aimlessly wander around this tension-free apartment. I don't think they even tried to build suspense. At all. And by the way, I think I'd be just a little more upset after my sister died.
Oh hey Emily. Hey bathroom girl. For the love of god, someone try to find Emily's parents. This bunch of adults doesn't seem to know how to make productive phone calls.
Now here goes mummy dearest, making everything worse because, for some reason, she has yet to be institutionalized. Don't even talk about your daughter's meds and-well okay never mind. She's having some murder dreams. Though if I had a pillowcase and no witnesses....
The first productive phone call is from the late Janet. So there's more crying and hitting things, because apparently that's what women do when threatened. Oh look, there's Janet. Thought we had escaped her. But no, she has to talk to "HHHLAAARA" about sibling rivalries, prompting another almost-productive phone call that showcases the non-existent acting ability of miss Lara.
"I don't know what happened to your sister, but it was the same thing."
I would punch whoever said that.
Stale acting. STALE. "We were just getting to know each other." WHICH IS EXACTLY THE TIME YOU START TO HAVE RANDOM SEX. I SWEAR.
SO NOW HE WAS A COP. And cheating on his wife with Janet. Why the fuck would you do that. She's a nutcase who mostly cries and is horrible at dirty talk. Not worth it, man. Not worth it.
God, this mother-daughter relationship makes me so uncomfortable. STOP NECKING YOUR DAUGHTER. ew ewewewew.
Now the world's worst undercover cop shows off his weapon at the first hunch he has because he's top-notch, okay. And the lady has to look pensively into the mirror, likely wondering why the fuck she doesn't run away to Mexico already.
I wonder if the skinny blonde girls are even meant to be creepy. They just look a little hungry and confused. All the poorly-chosen sound effects in the world couldn't make me feel even mildly threatened by them. Apparently Bad Cop doesn't care either, because I'm being treated to about 5 minutes of him and Lara rolling their heads sleepily.
Suddenly Bad Cop cares what happened to Janet, and still Lara hasn't asked why he was even fooling around with his sister. But it's okay because Lara's in the bath and bad things always happen in the bath. Oh. Okay. Janet's here again to act worse than ever before while her sister reacts in the least proactive way ever.
OOOH THE SUPER'S BACK. To offer "arrangements" and do illegal things with no threat of calling the police.
I can't do this anymore. Just. If you've suffered through this movie, I'm so sorry for you. If not, just. Don't.
Next up is an enjoyable ghost story aimed at making you absolutely horrified of teeth and of fairies. 